


Nightmares and Dreams

by destinedbyfate



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Dog Tags, First Dates, First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Self-Harm, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Nightmares, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-11 21:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destinedbyfate/pseuds/destinedbyfate
Summary: Tony wakes up from a nightmare about Siberia. He recalls memories and the times he spent with Steve which leads to his final decision.





	Nightmares and Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags carefully for trigger warnings.  
> In this, Jarvis is used instead of Friday.  
> Any part thay is in italics is Tony’s memory.

_He’s my friend_   
  
_So was I_   
  
—   
  
“Sir!” Tony can make out faint noises in the background. Where is it coming from ? It doesn’t make sense. “Please wake up sir.” He hears it again. Jarvis’ voice blast over and over again over the sound system. “It is merely a dream. Sir, please wake up.”   
  
Tony’s eyes open suddenly with a gasp and he jerks up. With his head pounding and spinning, Tony’s hands go flying to his chest where the shield was just a second ago but everything is fine. It was just a bad dream. A bad dream that has been occurring for months now and it just won’t stop. Every single time Tony tries to sleep for more than a few hours, his brain would decide to replay the whole scene and he would wake up hurting all over again.   
  
Sighing, Tony rubs his face and yawns. “Jarvis, turn on the lights. What time is it anyways ?” Jarvis replies “It is currently 4:38am sir. I’d recommend you get more sleep. You have gotten approximately 5 hours and 18 minutes of sleep since last Tuesday.” “Huh. And what day is it today ?” Tony asks. “It is currently Wednesday sir.” Jarvis states. Yawning once again, Tony shrugs “5 hours is better than nothing.”   
  
He takes one look at his chest again just to make sure. After Siberia, he had put the reactor back in, with extra protections of course. He’s not taking any more chances after what Steve did. One of the few people he thought he could trust with his entire heart, tried to kill the thing that once kept his heart running. The irony makes him laugh to himself. Only someone like him can find humor in a situation like this.   
  
Tony pulls his sleeves down as a habit that he’s developed over these past few months and reaches over to his nightstand in search for the glass that he had left there from last night. His fingers curl around the cool glass as he swirls the liquid around. He brings the glass up to his lips and tastes the liquor on his tongue. It’s been a few months since he started drinking again but every single time, it’s like his first sip after all those years. Guilt starts to well up in his chest. His alcoholic tendencies have done so much harm to the few people he loved in the past and now he’s letting everyone that is still around down, again but Tony lets himself think it’s okay. It’s not like I’m ever going to let them find out. Even though he hates to admit this now, Steve was his rock throughout his journey of overcoming his problem with alcohol and now that he’s gone, everything’s back to square one.   
  
He’s experienced too many late nights when dark thoughts start coming back to haunt him. All the people he’s murdered with the weapons he made, all the parents left without their child and all those children left without dreams and hopes. He destroyed everything. He reached for the Scotch he kept in the bar in his workshop.

_After about 4 drinks and a million depressing thoughts later, he realized he’s ran out of ice. Tony stumbled into the communal kitchen at 3 in the morning and was surprised when he saw a figure sitting at the island alone. He made the figure out to be none other than Steve. The man used to hate him (and Tony wasn’t very fond of him either) but lately, they’ve managed to not argue with each other every other sentence. Tony even managed to make him laugh the other day._

_As he walked into the kitchen, Steve looked up from what appeared to be paperwork and saw him. Tony flashed him the award winning smile that he usually reserves for paparazzis and beelined straight for the fridge. Steve’s face scrunched up as Tony walk by him. “Tony, what is that smell ? Have you been drinking ?” Steve asked, not without a judgmental tone. Tony swore silently to himself before turning around and flashed an even bigger smile “Does Captain Righteous have a problem with me having a couple drinks at the end of a long day ?” Steve rolled his eyes before replying “Just make sure it doesn’t affect you on the field, Stark.” Tony replied “It never does, Rogers.”_

_He asked “What are you doing up anyways ? Aren’t you supposed to be getting lots of rest so you can wake up early for your long ass run ?” Steve sighed “Not that it’s any of your concerns but I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to do some work instead.” Tony let out a little laugh “Of course you would do that. What are you working on anyways ?” Steve had a confused look on his face. He opened his mouth to say something but seemed to decide against it and started talking about filling out paperwork from their last mission instead. He went on a rant about how no one seemed to care about paperwork, not even Fury and his people. Tony, for some reason, decided to sit down and listen. He noticed that at first, Steve was just simply answering his question but that somehow turned into a rant about how irresponsible the government is nowadays. The strangest part was that he didn’t mind listening to Steve._

_After Steve’s little rant, Tony started making small talk. He didn’t want to go back down to the workshop and sit there alone with those thoughts haunting him anymore. After a while of talking and joking around, he noticed that they’re more comfortable with each other and Tony decided to ask Steve why he couldn’t sleep. He was surprised when Steve told him (not without hesitation at first though)._

_He sat there listening to Steve talk about his nightmares. How he dreams of being stuck under the ice every night. Most of the time, it’s him dying from the cold, but sometimes, he sees himself stuck under there unable to scream for help while everyone from his life forget about him and move on. Those ones hurt the most._

_Tony then told him about why he was drinking. He told Steve about the nights when dark thoughts would come and haunt him, about all the people he’s met that blame him for the lost of their family._

_They have been talking for a few hours before Steve stopped abruptly. Tony, confused, asked “What is it ? Did something happen?” He started to look around worriedly thinking that Steve sensed something was wrong. Steve just shook his head and smiled. A genuine smile that Tony’s seen a million times but has never been on the receiving end of, until now “No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just strange. Ever since we’ve met, we’ve barely had any civil conversations and now all of the sudden, here we are at-” Steve paused to check his watch “5:48am talking and laughing like old friends. It’s...nice. Everything feels normal for once.” Tony shot him a smile. A real one this time. It was silent for a few seconds until Steve started asking about his new armor. Tony started talking about all the improvements he was doing._

_They talked for hours and didn’t even look up when the sun started coming up. At around 8:48 am, Natasha came in for her morning tea and was startled when she saw the two sitting at the island talking and laughing. She gave them both a little smirk, got her tea and left._

_A bit later, Jarvis informed Tony that if he doesn’t go get ready right now, he will be late for his meeting with Pepper and the board. He also subtly reminded Tony about Pepper’s message from last week about what is to happen if he miss this meeting, which would be his fifth one this month._

_As he was standing up to leave, Tony stopped and started talking “Steve. Um..Thank you for this. For staying and talking with me all night. It felt good talking about it. Thank you.” Steve replied “Thanks to you too and Tony, if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.” Tony smiled at him and gave him a little wave as he left to go get ready._   
  
_Ever since then, whenever the dark thoughts start to slither back around, Tony would go find Steve and he would talk Tony through it and then distract him with some other topic to calm him down. Sometimes, he would go wake up Steve and feel incredibly guilty since he knows Steve doesn’t sleep easily but they would sit in bed and talk until they both fall asleep. Something started to change inside Tony. Slowly, Tony started giving up drinking because he didn’t need it anymore and the proud look on Steve’s face when Tony told him was absolutely everything. He gave Tony the biggest hug and wouldn’t stop repeating over and over again about how much he believed in Tony._   
  
Remembering the bitter memory left a sour taste in his mouth. Tony pushed it down along with the guilt and the rest of the content in the glass before heading down the the workshop where he left the bottle the night before.   
  
As the doors to his workshop slide open, the whooshing sound brings Tony back to that one afternoon, the first of many.   
  
_He has been working for over 36 hours trying to finish this prototype when he heard the sound of the doors opening. Looking up from his desk, Tony was so sure that he was hallucinating because at his doors, stood Steve Rogers._

 _Steve has only been down to his workshop once before and that was to get rid of his alcohol and Tony wasn’t even there when Steve was. He was carrying a plate with food on one hand and a sketchbook with the other. He looked at Tony with a shrug and said “Nat made her special lasagna before leaving for her-“ Steve paused and use his fingers as air quotes “trip”. He shook his head and smiled to himself. Steve and Natasha had some seriously lame inside jokes especially compared to Tony and Natasha’s jokes. They’re absolutely hilarious even if Nat and him are the only_ _ones who think so. Steve continued talking “I noticed you didn’t come up for dinner last night or breakfast or lunch so I thought I would bring you some solid food instead of those smoothies that I’m sure you’ve using as meal replacements.” Steve walked towards his desk and patted Dum-E ‘s head before setting the plate down._

_When Tony didn’t say anything, he noticed that his eyes kept flickering down to Steve’s other hand, the one with the sketchbook. Steve held it up while the other hand scratched his neck. Steve’s nervous tick, Tony noticed. “Well, I thought that since Nat’s off on her mission, Thor’s in Asgard, Bruce’s in his lab and Clint’s god knows where, I could keep you company ya know. I could just sit on the couch quietly and sketch while you work on-“ He paused and look around with a puzzled look, trying to figure out what Tony was doing before giving up “uh whatever it is you’re working on.” Before Tony even got the chance to reply, Dum-E was already pulling on Steve’s shirt dragging towards the couch. Dum-E’s movements brought him back and Tony laughed “Well, it looks like I don’t have a choice. Make yourself at home Cap.”_

_They spent most of the afternoon in silence with Tony working and Steve sketching. Every once in a while though, Steve would look up and remind Tony to eat his food. From then on, Steve made it a habit and he came to Tony’s workshop everyday. Sometimes, he just sat there in quiet and sketch all afternoon, sometimes he would be more involved so Steve would sit and act as Tony’s assistant for the day but it doesn’t matter what Steve was doing, he would always be down at the workshop. Every single day without fail._   
  
The memory of those afternoons hit Tony hard. Those first few weeks back from Siberia, Tony couldn’t even enter the lab because he would walk in expecting Steve to be sitting there doing whatever it is that he does and every single time, the thought would make him feel the weight of the shield on his chest. Tony avoided the lab for a while and turned to alcohol instead because what a better way to help him forget.

Tony walks towards to windows on the other side of his lab where it has a direct view into the park across the street. The green grass is now covered in a thick layer of white snow. Tony hates it. He hates every single detail in that view and he hates Steve for making him. Winter used to be his favorite season and now he can barely look at snow without having a panic attack. The park was his favorite spot in the city and now Tony goes out of his way to avoid it. But mostly, he hates Steve for giving him some of the best memories at that park. Their first date. How they walked around and talked for hours. Their first kiss. How Steve gently held his face in both of his hands as if he was the most precious gem on Earth. The first time they said I love you. How Tony felt when he heard Steve say it. How he stood there and let it all sink in because Steve just said he loves him. How Steve’s face broke into the biggest smile when he said those three words back.

Tony notices his hands start to shake and turns away and walks back to his desk. He sits down in his chair and puts his head in his hands. “Inhale...one...two...three. Exhale...one...two...three.” He thinks to himself “Just breathe. In and out. Everything is fine. You’re okay. You’re in your lab. You’re safe. Everything is okay.” His doctor says that in times like this, he needs to have someone next to him to calm him down but there’s no one but Rhodey and he doesn’t want to wake him up.

Ten minutes go by and Tony still can’t breathe properly and his hands just keep shaking more and more. “Maybe if I... It always calms me down. Just once should be okay. Right ?” The more he thinks about what he’s about to do, the more he thinks it’s fine. Because it’s just one time. He remembers back fo the first time he had these exact thoughts all those months ago.

Tony rolls up his sleeves. Scars covered up and down his arms. Scars everywhere you looked. Not just scars, but words. Words etch deeply into his skin. His finger traces along his arms. Worthless. Murderer. Heartless. Troublesome. Insignificant. Shameful. Hideous. Alcoholic. Selfish. All these words that he uses to describe himself.

Tony’s hands start to shake again and he decides to do it just one more time. One last time. He reaches down and opens his first drawer in search for his tools. His hands stumbled upon something he had hid there months ago, something he has never wanted to see again.

Tony pulls out a dog tag.

Steve’s dog tag that Tony used to wear underneath his shirt. He finally took it off that night he got back from Siberia. Tony looks at the dog tag properly for the first time in months. The large dent on the dog tag from Steve’s shield sends a jolting feeling to his chest, just like the first time he saw it.

Tony notices that his hands finally stopped shaking but it’s because he knows now. He knows what he has to do. He knows how to deal with this now.

Tony puts the dog tag on “Jarvis, you up buddy ?” “For you sir ? Always.” Tony chuckles “I’ll miss you buddy. Do me a favor and get everything ready following the protocol we discussed.” A quick pause. “Sir, are you sure about this ? I could call Colonel Rhodes. He would be here in a few minutes. Or I could ring Miss Potts and send a car over.” “No, Jarvis. Absolutely not. Please just do what we discussed.” Tony shakes his head and look up at the ceiling, a habit he developed from being with Steve. “I understand, sir. It was a great pleasure knowing y-.” The audio cuts off before Jarvis could finish the sentence.

Tony grabs the bottle of pills from his bottom drawer and goes to the couch. The same couch Steve used to spend countless hours on. Tony makes a mental checklist. All of Stark Industries is going to be turn over to Pepper. Jarvis will turn back on in three hours and alert everyone. All the special packages including a letter, new suits and weapons that Tony has been working on for the past few months are going to be sent to Rhodey, Pepper, Happy, Steve, Natasha and everyone he has hurt once everything’s over.

Sighing, Tony grabs the pill bottle in his steady hand. He’s ready to go to sleep now. He lies down and holds on to the bent dog tag as he starts to drift further and further into subconsciousness.  
  
Tony’s last thought is “I’m among the stars now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for baring with me until the end! Any kudos or comments would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Find me on twitter @starkrcger


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